Since becoming a mom, I have become driven to be the best person I can be. And although I type that with much conviction, it's WAAAYY easier said than done, especially in certain areas of my life. So I warn you now faithful blog readers, what you may start to read it going to be different, it's going to be boldly real and honest.
I want. I want to walk into a store and buy whatever I like, eat wherever sounds good without worrying about the prices, buy small things, buy big things, want things for now, and want things for later. I want. Sounds like a case of the gimmie's right?
At our amazing church, I was hit with a brick (metaphorical brick.) I spend so much time and energy, wanting and earning more money so I can buy the "want" items. My first week back to work after maternity leave and I worked overtime and even went in on the weekend. Along with that I've been thinking about signing up to be a sales consultant for a cleaning product brand to make extra money. I have gotten so caught up on what is tangible that I'm ignoring the most important things in my life, the intangible ones.
Although I broke down about this last night, it's still kind-of embarrassing to write and admit. As much of a giving person as I think I am, I still want for myself. It's been a long time since I stopped and truly appreciated who I am and what I have, and acknowledging that God provides for all of my needs.
So today I took the first step, I acknowledge that God provides for all my needs and there is no need for me to want.
I've asked my husband, and I ask you readers, to hold me accountable. I'm not pledging to become a saint and give away my possessions (so no eyeballing by DVD collection or Kitchen Aid mixer,) but rather to have a change of heart and mind, to focus on the things that really matter. Today I found myself stop and thinking about if I really "needed" something, or "wanted" it. Unfortunately I didn't ask this question before I gulpped down a handful of mini Tootsie Rolls today. :)
Last week I was reminded of an old Jennifer Knapp song, and last night made me think of the lyrics again:
It's time
To get down on my knees and pray
"Lord, undo me!"
Put away my flesh and bone
'Til You own this spirit through me Lord,
Undo me.
I am wanting, needing, guilty and greedy
Unrighteous, unholy; undo me. Undo me!
Abba Father You must wonder why
More times than Peter I have denied.
Three nails and a cross to prove
I owe my life eternally to you!
Now this isn't to say my blog won't feature pictures, my crazy coupon trips, crafts, or tales of my daughter, but it will also feature my celebrations and struggles. Happy 4th if I don't post again before the holiday!
Oh, and to reference the title of my blog post.. Contemporary Christian Music magazine. I think they'd give me two thumbs up for a 10+ year old Jennifer Knapp reference.
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4 comments:
Great post, Rachelle! Thanks for being so vulnerable.
It is okay to have "wants". Don't be so hard on yourself! :) I have found that after 3 children and an emotionally demanding husband, that it is ok for me to want something, and then actually GIVE it to myself!! It is important to figure out the balance, but I think you will have no problems!! :)
Lauraine - I agree, there is balance. I just haven't been happy with "balance," I've been in a serious gimmie-mode. My goal is balance with want and need.
Rachelle thanks for sharing...I think we all go through cycles of this...but it is so easy to forget about all we have. Our culture makes us feel like we never have enough. But gratitude for what we do have is such a humbling experience when we really think about our abundance.
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